I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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