'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
