I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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