I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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