That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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