I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
