make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
