Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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