We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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