"it" just moved
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
