I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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