You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
