you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
