Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
