3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
