where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
