do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
