i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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