Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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