Your favorite bartender is back from prision
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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