I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
