i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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