I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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