no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
