2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
