i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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