I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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