my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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