You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
