My first STD was from a foam party
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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