Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
