I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
