She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
