i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I will pee on everything he values.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
