I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I forgot wine drunk hurts
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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