Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
