I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
