Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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