apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
