I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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