You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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