I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
