If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
