i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
