Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
