OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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