I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
