Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
