**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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