hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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