I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
