I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
