the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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