This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
