That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize